Don’t Forget Your Mates Why Staying Connected Matters

When was the last time you caught up with an old mate? Friendships and mental health go hand in hand, yet maintaining those connections often becomes harder as life gets busier.

As we get older, life tends to get busier. Work, relationships, children, taxes and all the other joys of adulthood can make it increasingly harder to stay in touch with our mates.

Friendships that once happened naturally through school, university, sport or work can gradually become less of a priority, and before you know it you haven’t seen your mate Jake from soccer in 14 years (Hi Jake). It’s not that we've stopped valuing these friendships (usually); more that maintaining them takes more effort than it used to.

To inject some evidence-based psychology into this: research consistently links social isolation and loneliness with poorer mental health, including increased psychological distress and depression. Staying connected with others can be an important part of looking after our wellbeing, particularly when life gets difficult.

So, Does This Matter?

Our relationships aren't just a nice addition to life. Us psychologists like to talk about something called the biopsychosocial model (bear with me) – which suggests that our overall health is determined by a mixture of biological, psychological, and yes, social factors.

The social part of the model recognises that our relationships and social environment can have a real impact on our health. Having mates we can talk to, laugh with, or lean on when things get difficult can help us manage stress, gain perspective and feel less alone. These relationships don't magically fix our problems, but they can influence how we experience and cope with them.

Why Staying Connected Matters for Men

For many men, friendships are maintained through shared activities rather than regular conversations about feelings. Catching up for a game of tennis, watching the footy, playing music or having a coffee can create opportunities for connection without the pressure of a serious conversation.

However, as work, parenting and other responsibilities increase, these opportunities can become less frequent. Australian research suggests men experience higher rates of social isolation than women, highlighting the importance of maintaining friendships throughout adulthood.

The important thing isn't necessarily how often we see our mates, but whether we continue making room for the relationships that matter to us.

So, How Do We Stay Connected?

The tricky thing about maintaining friendships as we get older is that they often require more deliberate effort. Now I don’t think that I’m anyone’s social role-model, but for me I have a few regular things I do to stay in touch with my mates like catching up for quiz nights, having a hit of tennis, and getting together for a jam. This has become more complicated since I recently became a dad, but if anything, that’s reinforced the importance of making an effort to stay connected, even when life changes.

Of course, there's no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for me might not work for you, and our capacity to socialise can vary depending on work, family responsibilities, finances, health and plenty of other things. The goal isn't to maintain friendships in any particular way, but to find realistic ways to stay connected with the people who matter to us.

Sometimes that might mean organising a regular catch-up. Other times, it might be a quick phone call, a message or making time for a friend when the opportunity arises. Small, manageable efforts can help keep friendships going, even when life is busy.

How Anxiety and Low Mood Can Lead to Social Withdrawal

Now, just to steer this blog back towards some of that evidence-based psychology, it's worth noting that psychological factors can also arise over time which significantly impact our ability to stay connected. One of those that’s worth paying attention to, is avoidance.

When we're stressed, anxious or feeling low, withdrawing from people can feel like the easiest option, and can in fact provide more immediate relief that reaching out. We might cancel plans, stop replying to messages or tell ourselves we'll catch up when things settle down.

Sometimes we genuinely need time alone, and there can be very good reasons why socialising isn't possible. However, if withdrawing becomes our usual response to difficult feelings, it can create a cycle: we feel bad, avoid people, get a bit of immediate relief, gradually become more isolated, and then feel worse. This is a huge oversimplification, but you get the idea.

One way to try to interrupt this cycle is to consider whether there are any small, concrete, manageable steps we could take toward maintaining the connections that matter to us, rather than waiting until we feel like it, or waiting until life becomes less busy. That might be sending a message, accepting an invitation or letting a mate know we're thinking of them, even if we can't catch up just yet.